It Started Out With A Kiss
by capsiclerogers
Summary: As children, Kendall, Carlos, and James bullied Logan, making him hate all of them with a burning passion. But when he moves back from LA after two years, Kendall... kisses him? CONTAIN SLASH  KOGAN . Just read a bit of chapter 1, I suck at summaries. :
1. I've Been Doing Just Fine

**I LOVE WRITING NEW STORIES. 3  
>I will continue my other ones, don't worry, because now I'm on summer vacation. ;D<br>Now WARNING: Contains SLASH, so if you don't like, don't read!  
>IT'S A KOGAN FANFIC, YAYY. ;D<br>Everyone loves Kogan because Kendall and Logan are meant for each other, whereas Carlos and James are the perfect couple.  
>Enjoy! <strong>

Well, I'm back. Back to my hometown with the people I grew up with. Here's the story: I used to have "friends." And when I say friends, I use that term oh so very lightly. They weren't actually my friends, hence the usage of quotation marks. It was just a group of guys I grew up with my entire life. Their names were Kendall, Carlos, and James. Let me start off by saying that each one them was on their own fucking level of mean. Kendall was like the pack leader. Carlos and James pretty much acted like his bitches and did whatever the fuck Kendall wanted them to do. But don't get me wrong; they definitely didn't let Kendall think for them. If I could use one word to describe him, it'd just be "dick." He, along with the rest of the douchebags, pelted me with rocks, egged me on my birthday, and publicly humiliated me in front of the girl I liked. They may seem like minor offense, but hey! I was nine, and that was the worst thing that could happen to me. Did I mention I despise them? Don't give me the "kids are just kids" speech because I swear I will cut you. You don't think I've tried to tell myself that? This didn't stop when we got into middle school. They only got worse. As I became more and more focused on receiving good grades, the more they seemed to pick on me. It wasn't the fact that they gave me a daily beating that hurt me the most. It was the fact that I grew up with them. They knew everything about me and my family and vice versa. But they just hated me for some dumb ass fucking reason. So yeah, I never had friends here; I guess to them, I was just the smart one. So what if my mom would brag about me to everyone? And what's the big hype about getting into Yale with a scholarship? Nothing if you had no one to share it with. My dad left me as a child, and I haven't seen him since. In fact, I'm not even sure if he's still alive. If he's dead, well, I don't give a fuck. Ever since I could remember, my mom had always only cared about my grades. It was as if I _should_ be getting straight A's. Relatives say it's because she's still figuring out ways to cope with the daddy abandonment issues, but who really knows? Needless to say, my relationship with my mom is a very thin line and I basically have no one in my life. So my mom and I moved to LA after that because she desperately wanted to find a job. She never graduated high school, so it wasn't surprising the only job she could land was at some supermarket. The best part of living in LA had to be the fact that I managed to make a few friends. But of course, LA is expensive as fuck and after two or three years, we couldn't continue living there, so we moved back… to Minnesota. I left my friends (reluctantly) and packed my bags and headed back to living hell. Joy.

"Honey, try not to pout so much," my mom said, carrying our bags and suitcases into our house.

"Well can you blame me? I fucking hate all of the people in Minnetonka, Minnesota," I muttered under my breath and stuffing my ear buds into my ears. I clicked play on my iPod and blasted some Cage the Elephants. I felt them yank out, enraging even more.

"What the fuck, Mom?" I yelled, snatching the ear buds out of her hand.

"Don't give me this attitude, Logan. Now you know why we're moving back and you don't think I want to stay in LA? I know you made some friends, and I'm happy for you! But we don't have a choice." Wow, Mom looked really serious. And I honestly couldn't believe she noticed my friends.

I sighed in defeat and helped the moving guys bring in the furniture. At least she attempted to care. I mean, I should begin to get used to being ignored and teased again.

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

I woke up to the sound of my obnoxious alarm clock, practically screeching that the first day of hell is beginning. I tried to find the snooze button, but I couldn't, so I just smashed it. I hit the annoying piece of shit a couple of times before it shut up. I probably broke it, but I couldn't give a damn. I groggily threw off my covers and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth and shower. I stepped out the bathroom fully clad in a white button-up shirt and some dark skinnies. I guess California changed my style a little bit. Well, I stayed true to my casual style, but kind of transformed it into this laid-back, classy, clean-cut sophistication so to speak. I walked into the kitchen to find no one in sight. I sighed. Of course, I have to walk to school and make my own breakfast. Seriously, I might as well just fucking live alone. I popped some toast in the toaster, grabbed my backpack, and headed to school. I gotta admit, I was a little nervous. _Okay, fine, a ton._ But as I drew nearer to the school, I stopped caring. I no longer gave a flying fuck. If I could live through this as a kid, I can live through this now. After all, I just want to get through high school _alive_ and go to Yale.

After missing first and second period to get my schedule, my locker number, and all the textbooks/necessities for class, I walked into third period, which was math. I averted eye contact when I heard whisperings from all the students. You should know that the place where I live in Minnetonka is relatively small. That means all the current students were the people you grew up with, and that means _they all knew me._ My teacher Mr. Byron told me to take an empty seat next to a tall blonde boy who seemed relatively familiar. Of course, I didn't care enough to actually make an attempt at remembering who it was, so I just sauntered over and took a seat. As he continued to lecture, I scribbled a lot of notes in my notebook. In my peripheral vision, I could see the blonde glancing at me from time to time, face scrunched in concentration. I chuckled to myself because to me, he looked constipated. The bell rang, signaling the start of brunch. I quickly stuffed my notebook and pen into my backpack and raced for the doorway. The faster I get out, the less questions and weird looks I will get. I raced to my locker and stuffed my math textbook and grabbed my history textbook and _Lord of the Flies_ book for periods four and five. As I was just about to close my locker door, someone closed it for me.

"Ah!" I yelped in surprise_. What the fuck, a haunted locker?_ I looked up to see that strange blonde guy that kept looking at me in class. "Can I help you?"

He chuckled. "Do you know who I am?"

"Uh, a creeper?" I blurted. _Wow, that was mean._

He shook his head as he smirked. "Guess again, _Logan_."

_Eek, what the fuck is with this dude? He knows my fucking name?_

"Look," I stuttered nervously, backing away slowly only for him to inch closer, "I'm sorry but you're seriously starting to scare me. Can you just… just leave me alone?"

I was getting ready to bolt and get the fuck out of this freak's presence but was stopped by him grabbing my shoulder. Out of instinct, I shook his hand off. See I have this thing with hands on shoulders. When we were young, Kendall used to trick me into letting my guard down and then pelting my unguarded self with hurtful things. And how? He would put his hand on my shoulder and say, "Logan, we're friends aren't we?" I'd reply with, "I'm not sure. You always say mean things to me." And he would just laugh. "That's what friends are for," he assured me. "We're all joking." I would fall for it every time, but it never seemed to be the case. But that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks. This blonde guy… he was Kendall!

"You seriously don't remember who I am?" he asked, dumbfounded. He scrunched those caterpillar eyebrows together at him.

"Holy fuck," I murmured under my breath, just loud enough for him to hear. "K-Kendall?"

"Spot on," he said, flashing a toothy smile. "How you've been, Logie?"

I felt rage surge through my body. Does he honestly think a "how you've been?" is going to solve everything?

"Get the _fuck_ away from me," I heard myself hiss at Kendall. "I don't want _anything _to do with you, or Carlos, or James, or anyone. I have enough shit going on in my life, and I don't need more from you." I walked away, keeping my held high. But on the inside, I felt weak and that I was going to collapse. Maybe that would've been better. I wish I was in a coma right now, because in the moment, I didn't want to feel anything. Emotions were pouring in and out of my heart and I couldn't grasp ahold of reality. My head was spinning as the encounter with Kendall brought back every ounce of painful memories that were engraved in my brain; the memories I had managed to tuck away for two years. But all this came back to me like waves during high tide. It was too much for me to handle. I felt my knees buckle and I hit the ground with a thud. The last thing I remembered were dozens of students rushing up to me to see if I was okay—then blackness.

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

_Ugh, my heard is throbbing like a bitch!_ I opened my eyes and was instantly blinded by the fucking ass sunlight. _Ah fuck!_ As my eyes started to adjust to the bright light, I started to scan around the room. It became apparent that I was in the hospital. _Whoa, what the hell happened?_ I thought, rubbing the back of my aching head.

"He okay, Doc?" I heard a rather familiar voice say.

"He'll be fine. Just got a little overwhelmed. I presume it's from the move and everything," another voice answered.

Footsteps. I shut my eyes and peered out of my right eye to see who was coming. My eyes fluttered open and I furrowed my eyebrows when I saw Kendall standing at the foot of my hospital bed.

I sat up quickly and picked up a nearby plastic fork.

"Don't come any closer. I have a… _fork_ and I'm not afraid to use it!" I threatened, hands quivering from fright. _Crap, I'm a dead man._

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "Really? A plastic fork. I'm shaking in my shoes, dude," he retorted sarcastically. He walked over to me and snatched the stupid fork out of my hand.

"Hey—!" I started but hushed up when Kendall kissed me. Wait what? Kendall kissed me?

He pulled back and gave me a devious grin. He winked and started to walk away. Whoa what the fuck just happened? Can you say mindfuck?

"Whoa, dude, what was that?" I demanded, trying to get up to chase him back. I was so furious for two reasons: one, he stole my first fucking kiss. The guy I absolutely _hated_ took my lip virginity… just like that! And two, he didn't stop even I told him to. I called his name at least ten fucking billion times, but he just didn't turn back. I threw my head back onto the pillow and shut my eyes. There were so many questions that I needed answers to. _Why would Kendall kiss me? Can I hit him in the testes and gonads with a fucking metal bat? Like __**really**__ hard for revenge? UGH, this is just a dream… this is just a dream… this is just a dream…_

**Omg, so much drama _already.  
><em>Just a heads up, it might take a while for some fluffy moments between Logan and Kendall.  
>Logan is <em>convinced<em> he hates the living shit out of Kendall, and it takes a lot of convincing. ;D**

**UNTIL NEXT TIME,  
><strong>**Scarlett xoxo.**

**don't forget to R&R ;D **


	2. Choking On Your Alibi

**Wow, I got really into this. :)  
>Anyways, enjoy! This one is long. <strong>

It wasn't a dream. No matter how hard I pinched myself, I couldn't wake up from what just happened today. I was sitting on my bed and it was sometime around midnight. I was supposed to be asleep, but I couldn't fall asleep. I tried to think of all the reasons why Kendall would've planted his lips on mine-logical reasons. _Maybe he loved me all along,_ I pondered. But no, that wouldn't be explain why he did such malicious things to me as a child. Sure, when you're young, you bullied the people you had a crush on, but Kendall treated me _full on_ like crap. That was completely inexcusable. By 2 AM, I was drowning in a sea of my thoughts, desperately searching every nook and cranny of my brain for a plausible explanation on why Kendall kissed it. That's when I lost it. _He's playing games with me,_ I thought, paranoid. _This is all part of his little plan to bring me close and then run a blade through my chest._ I physically slapped myself for thinking such absurdities. Surely even _Kendall_ wouldn't do that, would he? I took a deep breath and shook the thoughts away, looking at the time. 3:24 AM. Fuck, I'm going to be so tired tomorrow. I looked at my arm and almost shit my pants. I didn't realize how hard I pinched myself, nonetheless how many times. There were pinch marks all up and down my arm and some were bleeding. _Fuck it,_ I thought and rolled my eyes. I need to get sleep.

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

I wore my sunglasses today, even though the sun wasn't out. I wanted to be sure I never had to meet up with Kendall or any of his goons, and the shades over my eyes handed me the perfect opportunity to scan the hallways. _Coast is clear_, I thought and walked over to my locker. As soon as I flung the locker door open, it flung shut.

_Of course,_I grumbled in my head, _should've seen this coming._ I glanced to the side and saw a smug blonde, his green eyes full of mischief. And he had a stupid fucking grin on his face. I sighed as I turned the dial on my Master Lock again. _23… 14…_ Blocked. I smacked his hand and continued to turn the dial right. He pushed my hand off of the lock. Alright, you little prick, that was the last straw.

"Dude, fuck off," I growled, taking off my sunglasses and shooting him a glare. He didn't budge; he just had his stupid ass grin on his face, bigger than fucking ever. I wanted to cry out of frustration, but I contained myself. "Why are you here? I thought I made myself damn fucking clear I want _nothing _to do with you."

Kendall snickered. "Don't use such _vulgar_ language, Logie," he purred, making me widen my eyes.

"D-don't tell m-me what I-I can or c-can't do," I stuttered, trying to maintain my composure. He was making me really uncomfortable.

He raised his eyebrows in amusement. _The nerve of that guy…_ I thought angrily. He winked and left, lightly brushing his shoulder on mine. My stomach was wrenched with anger and I have never wanted to kick someone more in my life. Every aspect of Kendall disgusted me, and I hated him. And to make things worse, he's fucking _flirting with me?_ My heart was racing and my head was spinning; needless to say, I have never been more confused and conflicted in my life. What game was Kendall trying to play? I grumbled and hastily grabbed my textbooks and went to class.

**At lunch…**

_Hm, not bad,_ I thought. _I can make it through the day. So far so good._ I stepped into the busy cafeteria and looked around for an empty table. I smiled when I saw one completely empty table and started to walk over to it. I pulled out my laptop and _The Stranger_ and began to type my analytical essay. Hey, I had three AP courses and two honors; I'm a busy guy. _Meursault refuses to allow change into his life, resulting in his…_ SLAM!

"OW, my fingers!" I groaned, shaking my hands. I looked up and saw Kendall… and three guys.

I stood up, slamming my fists on the table.

"What the fuck do you want now?" I snapped. "Can I _please_ just get through one day without pulling my fucking hair out."

Kendall totally disregarded my words.

"Yeah, yeah, that's splendid. Logan, remember these two?" Kendall asked, waving away my questions.

I shook my head. It wasn't that I couldn't, I didn't bother to try. I just wanted to do my god damned homework.

"It's me, Carlos!" the Latino boy said, the silliest grin I've ever seen in my life plastered onto his face.

"And James," the tall, pretty one added.

I was indifferent, I didn't care. I narrowed my eyes and grabbed my laptop and book after I swung my backpack onto my shoulder.

"Great," I sarcastically commented and made my way towards the exit and into the hall. Too bad they were annoyingly persistent as I felt a hand grab mine. I flung it off and whipped around.

"What?" I spat, seriously annoyed.

"No hugs for us?" Kendall questioned, knowing just how much he bothered me.

Carlos and James stood beside Kendall on both sides, looking creepily giddy.

"No," I flatly said and tried to turn around. Nope, they wouldn't let me.

"C'mon," James said, "No love for your old friends?"

God I hated that word! "Friend" was not a vocabulary in my dictionary. Being the mercurial man I am, my annoyance quickly turned to explosive anger.

"Friends?" I hissed, raising an eyebrow. "You guys hurt me, physically _and _mentally, so don't pull this 'friend' card on me. You guys were _never _my friend. See, old Logan would've let all of you just step all over him, but I've changed. And don't think this 'friendship' can be fixed, because it can't. There is _nothing _you can say or do that will make me forgive you. Do I make myself fucking clear?"

Kendall looked at both of them, smirking. "Sorry, can you say that one more time? I'm a little hazy on the details."

"UGH!" I groaned loudly, knowing that Kendall was just trying to push my buttons. Well, mission accomplished ya dick.

"I swear to God…!" I mumbled like a schizophrenic as I walked away from them. I could still hear them getting attacked by fits of giggles as I left.

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

This kind of teasing/bullying was on a whole 'nother level of meanness. This fucked with my mind; they wanted me to feel screwed with. As much as I didn't want to admit their plan was working, it sure as fucking hell was. My train of thought was lost when my mom entered my room.

"Mom, way to knock!" I snapped, throwing my pillow at her.

"Quit your whining. Are you done with your homework?" she asked in a very motherly tone. She launched the pillow back at me.

I caught it. "Yes, Mom, would you please stop worrying about that?" I rolled my eyes. It was so like my mom to ask if I finished homework.

"Good," she answered, "because if you don't get that scholarship to Yale…"

"I know, I know!" I impatiently groaned. God, thanks for caring about how school was, _Mom_.

"Alright, then get dressed. I invited Jennifer and her kids to come over, so be out in a few," she declared, about to leave his room.

I pushed my eyebrows together. "Who?" I asked.

"Kendall's mom? You know, the blonde one and his little sister, Katie?" she reminded, sticking her head through the gap.

I felt my stomach twist and turn at the mention that the prick was coming to our house.

"Uh, Mom, actually I forgot. I have this project with… my partner and I need to go to his house," I lied, slipping on my shoes. My plan was to just leave the house and walk around town until they left.

My mom looked at me straight in the eyes, not wavering once. I felt so intimidated, but I kept on staring back. "Really…" she said, suspiciously.

I nodded rapidly and stuffed my chemistry textbook into my backpack. I chuckled nervously and said bye. When I reached the door, Kendall, Katie, and his mom were waiting there, about the ring the doorbell. _Aw fuck,_ I groaned.

"Hi!" his mom exclaimed, giving me a hug first. Then she walked up to hug my mom.

"Hey," Katie greeted, smiling her sweet smile.

I couldn't help but crack a smile. "Hey Katie, I haven't seen you in so long. How old are you now?"

"Thirteen." I let out a laugh when I noticed her proud grin.

"You look different," she said, speculating my hair and clothes. "Good different."

I thanked her with a hug.

"Alright, Mom, I'm leaving," I called to her from across the house.

"Where are you going?" Kendall queried, raising his eyebrows and crossing his arms.

I stuttered as I searched for a good lie. "Project…" I quietly said and attempted to go around him. He stretched out his arm and blocked the doorway.

He looked at me and shook his head slowly. "Really, a project."

I rolled my eyes. Wait, since when did I have to lie to avoid Kendall?

"Fine, you caught me. I don't want to be around you," I said. "Ya happy?"

Kendall nodded his head and his lips curled even more.

"Why do you look so happy?" I asked, shooting him a weird look.

"It's nice to know that you can't handle being around me. Too much… _sexual tension?_" Kendall winked at me again, making me squirm with discomfort.

"C-come again?" I stuttered, trying to make sense of what's going on.

"_Cum?_ Wow, Logie, never knew you were so dirty," he replied seductively. He gave me another wink.

I squeaked and ran out the door. I shuddered when I heard him chuckling to himself. _This can't be happening,_ I desperately thought. I prayed to the fucking stars that this was just a horrible, horrible nightmare. One that I will wake up from and find myself in the warm blankets back in LA. But I knew this was as real as it could get. This was reality, and I'm completely conscious. This just got me angry again. Only this time, I was _pissed off._ Like, _really_ pissed off. I couldn't put my finger on the reason why Kendall insisted on teasing with me. Haven't I suffered enough as a child? I walked to the nearest supermarket and bought a candy bar. I was tempted to buy the aluminum bat to hit Kendall where it hurt, but I refrained myself. _I can always kick him in the testes and gonads with some cleats,_ I said to myself. After I paid the cashier, I walked out into the parking lot to finish my candy bar. I was just about to leave when a few shady looking men came out of the darkness and surrounded me. _Holy fuck,_ I screamed in silence as I acknowledged the weapons in their hands.

One big, black dude stepped up with a gun in his hand. "Money," he demanded.

Another burly dude grabbed me from behind and I yelped. He pressed the blade of his knife to my neck, drawing a bit of blood. _Oh my god, oh shit, holy flying Jesus, I'm going to shit my pants._

"Okay, okay," I whimpered, pulling out my wallet. There was still about $32 left.

"That's all?" the black man exclaimed in anger, rushing up to me with his gun.

_Oh man, that gun's legit,_ I thought in panic.

"Yes, I'm sorry," I apologized and gave him my entire wallet.

"Shank him," he ordered the man who held a firm grip on me. I felt him apply more pressure onto the knife and my neck started to bleed more. I couldn't feel much due to the adrenaline coursing through my veins but I could see red.

"Wait, don't kill me!" I pleaded, shutting my eyes tight. Then I felt a painful jab in my stomach. I opened my eyes to see a huge ass gash in my stomach. I screamed and felt woozy. Then a jab to my chin. Then another jab. Then a kick and I was on the floor. I was damn sure I was about to bleed to death. Maybe they should've just shot me. I kept my eyes shut tight until I heard the sound of groaning and punching. _Huh? I don't feel anything… They must not be punching me?_ I opened my eyes and there I saw Kendall beating the shit out of those gangsters. Then my vision started to fade out until I couldn't see a thing.

When I woke up, I was on my bed. _Whew, it was just a dream…_ I lifted my head to look around. Unforgiving pain surged through my body.

"Owwwww…" I muttered, clutching my brain. My head felt… wet. _What the-? Blood!_

"HOLY SHIIIIIIT!" I screamed as I gazed at my blood-drenched hands.

The door flung open and shut just as quickly.

"Shhh!"

"Kendall?" I asked, surprised.

"Whoopee doo, you recognize faces," Kendall retorted sarcastically and pushed Logan's head down.

"What happened?" I groaned, rubbing my neck. Great, more blood.

"Ewww," I whined, wiping it on Kendall's shirt.

"Wow, thanks dude," Kendall sardonically sighed.

I couldn't help but giggle, but I regretted it because more pain surged through my being.

"Some jackasses decided to jump you," Kendall explained, concern clearly written in his face. "So I beat them up for you."

"Where's my mom?" I asked, realizing that she must've been worried sick.

"Oh, it's no problem, really. No need to say thanks," Kendall joked. He wiped some of my blood off my neck and head with a damp paper towel.

I didn't say anything. One part of me knew I should thank him for saving my ass, but he owed me! All those mean things he said and did, he owes _me_ an apology.

"Don't worry about your mom," Kendall continued. "She doesn't know."

"Well we're going to have to tell her," I replied. "I can't really hide these bruises and… knife stabs from her."

"You can stay with me," Kendall suggest, smiling a little.

_Fuck no_, I thought. _Just because you saved me, doesn't mean I forgive you. Like I said, nothing you say or do will make me change my mind. I hate you, Kendall Knight, with a burning passion._

I laughed at the ridiculous idea. "Yeah, that's tempting. But no."

"Why do you hate me so much?" Kendall asked.

"Really, Kendall? You're going to ask me that? You should know," I answered, looking the other way.

Kendall sighed. "Look, we were kids—"

I interrupted him. "You threw me in the trash can on a daily basis, Kendall! You made my life a living hell! Did you ever stop to think how the way you treat me can rub off on everyone else? There was not even _one_ person that would say something nice to me. Don't you remember the time when you had sex with my at-the-time girlfriend, Alexa? And how about the time—"

"I know, I know! I'm sorry, Logie," Kendall apologized, taking my hand. I pulled my hand back.

"Don't call me Logie," I mumbled, finding the ceiling very interesting.

Kendall sighed. "Fine, _Logan_, I'm extremely sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Nothing," I flatly stated, "Absolutely nothing. Because you won't abide to my wishes and demands, I don't know how else I can make this clearer. I don't want you in my life."

I snuck a peek at Kendall and I saw a pout on his face. His emerald green eyes seemed to turn to a darker shade of green and he was radiating sadness. But why the hell should I care? Radiating the smell of trash can every day for three years was worse.

"I love you, Logan," Kendall suddenly blurted, catching me way off guard.

**Hope you enjoyed it! 3  
>I will make sure to update my other fanfics.<br>Just got really into this one.**

**Until next time,  
><strong>**Scarlett xoxo. **


	3. I Just Can't Look, It's Killing Me

**YAY, chapter 3, guys! :)  
>Sorry for not really updating my other stories, because this story is just wayyy too fucking fun to write. I'm worried that my sanity is on the line.<br>Kogan is soooo fucking cute. 3  
>Anyways, I'll shut the hell up &amp; enjoy my dears!<br>& to a reviewer, I don't think I'll be making it M because I have no idea how to write sex scenes. D:  
>I can give it a go, but... I'm not so sure. :) <strong>

I cleared my throat. Then again. Then again. I even rubbed my ears to make sure I heard correctly.

"Huh?" I finally shrieked, completely and utterly confused out of my mind. _This makes no fucking sense._

"I love you, Logan," Kendall repeated, making sure he was enunciating every syllable. "Always have and always will."

This made me burn with fury. How dare he toy with my feelings? As if fourteen years of mean names and torture wasn't enough, now he's flirting with me and telling me he loves me? This is just getting ridiculous and I can't take it anymore. The fact that he saved my life didn't seem so great anymore and all I really wanted to do was to hit him. So I did.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?" he exclaimed, rubbing his arm. I hit him again, harder.

"Stop!" I yelled, in tears. I was sobbing into my hands. The intense pain I felt all over my body didn't hurt so much compared to the pain I felt in my heart. My anger towards Kendall transformed into hurt and sadness; shocked that he would go so low to hurt me.

"Me? You're the one hitting me!" Kendall shouted back. His hardened expression quickly softened at the sight of my tears. "Logan…"

I didn't want to hear whatever lies he had thought of. I just wanted him to leave and never come back again. I was so sick of him, of everything, of life in general.

"Just go," I muttered, catching my breath and pointed to my door. "I thought you were better than this."

Kendall shot me a puzzled look, as if I was the craziest motherfucker in the world. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" I sniffed and took a deep breath before I continued. "You don't love me. Stop _messing with my head._ You're driving me insane!"

Kendall scoffed. "You really think I'm _lying_ about this, Logan? You think I just tell people that I love them for shits and giggles?"

I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that Kendall's not breaking down my wall this time—at least not this easily. "You wouldn't tell people that you loved them for no reason."

"Exactly," Kendall said, taking my hand. But I jerked it back and looked him dead in the eye.

"But you would tell me. Just to fuck with my brain, wouldn't you? You want me to leave myself defenseless, draw me in with kind words and then fuck me over don't you? Well I'll have you know I'm not going down this road again because fourteen years was fucking enough. Don't you get it Kendall? I'm done." I sighed one more time, completely surprised I blew up at him like that. I was surprised but satisfied with myself.

Kendall's eyes were wide with surprise and I'm pretty sure he didn't know what to say. But to my dismay, he replied. "Logan, I've changed just like you have changed. Carlos and James, we _all_ changed. We're not the same immature people we were years ago. I promise you—"

"Save it, Kendall. I'm not falling for that. I'm not an idiot," I sneered. I lied back down, refusing to make eye contact with him.

I'm sure I got my point across because I saw him stand up from my bed and open the door, ready to leave. "I'm sorry for everything. All those years, okay? I truly am sorry. If there's anything I can do, you know I'd do it."

"There's nothing," I mumbled, still not looking at him.

Kendall nodded and left the room, silently closing the door behind him.

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

"Oh my God, what happened to you?" My mom was freaking out later at night from the sight of… well everything. "When did this happen?"

"Relax, Mom," I assured her. "I was… uh, just… I got chased by a coyote. Yeah, and it chased me into a bush and I got scratched… and stuff. And then it… attacked me! Yeah, it jumped at me and it bit me and stuff." Wow, I was a horrible liar.

She gave me a suspicious look and just bought my story.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked again.

I sighed. "Yes, I'm fine and dandy. Don't worry about it." That was a huge lie because every square inch of my body was in so, so, so much pain. Hey, the pain from being stabbed doesn't just go away in minutes!

She kissed me goodnight and turned off my lights. I closed my eyes, ready to fall asleep into a peaceful sleep. Too bad thoughts of Kendall completely interrupted my plans.

"_I love you, Logan," he had said._

I shook my head. He doesn't. He hates me. He just wants to see me fall on my face. Plus this just didn't make any sense. If he insisted he "loved me for all these years," then why was he so fucking mean to me? I mean, I've heard of bullying your crush as a child _to an extent_ but not like how he treated me. This was way too much for my brain to handle, even if I was a genius. I forced myself to stop thinking about it and drifted off into sleep.

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

I walked into math class and took the seat in my usual spot. My heart stopped when I saw Kendall saunter in, as if nothing had happened yesterday, a few minutes later and take the seat next to me. _Curse assigned seats!_ I thought, frowning. That's when I remembered I had both history and music together.

"Alright class, as you guys all know, midterms are coming up in a week," Mr. Byron reminded, making the whole class groan. He chuckled. "Yeah, yeah, I know. So in order to prepare you guys, I want all of you to write a paper on a chapter." More groaning.

"Now wait," Mr. Byron continued, holding up his index finger to cease the groaning, "Because there are only ten chapters, you will all be partnered up."

The class cheered at the last part, knowing they could pair up with their friends. However, their cheering quickly faded when he announced he already had made pairings. I didn't really listen until I heard my name with a certain someone's.

"Logan Mitchell and Kendall Knight," he announced, reading off of his computer.

"Huh?" I said, standing up. I heard him, but I wanted to be sure.

Annoyed, he read our names again. "Logan Mitchell and _Kendall Knight._"

I could see Kendall smiling in the corner of my eye. He really wanted to bother me, didn't he? I wish I could slap that smug smile off his fucking face and call it a day.

"Alright, go meet up with your partner and decide which chapter you guys want."

The sounds of chairs screeching as they were pushed back and footsteps as students scrambled to meet with their partners filled the room. Soon there was a lot of indistinct chatter, and I did nothing to contribute to it. I just sat there, not daring to make eye contact with my partner. I jumped when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hey, let's choose a topic," I heard Kendall say. I reluctantly turned around to face him. I muttered something under my breath, something like "Fine."

"Let's do… derivatives?" I suggested. I was good at that. Well, calculus was generally easy for me

Kendall shrugged. "Sure, I don't really care." I nodded and walked over to Mr. Byron's desk. I wrote his and my name on the sheet and then wrote our topic next to our names. I set the pen down and walked back to my desk and slowly as possible.

Awkward silence. It was so. Fucking. Awkward. I just sat there, fidgeting in my seat. I would occasionally catch him looking at me with his smug ass smile, waiting for me to slap it off. But I repressed every urge.

"Logan," Kendall finally said, breaking the silence. I rolled my eyes. _What now?_

"Yes?" I asked impatiently through gritted teeth.

"Talk to me," Kendall replied softly. He looked sad.

"I'd rather die," I answered coldly, not giving a fuck whether I was making him sad or not.

"You could've, until I saved your life." I looked at him in disbelief. Did he seriously think that bringing that up would make me feel less hate towards him? The answer would be "fuck no."

"You should've just let me die," I murmured, suddenly unable to look at him.

"Don't say that," Kendall said. I detected a little bit of anger in his voice.

For the rest of the period, I said nothing to him. I hated him with every fiber of my being. I hated him, I hated him! The bell rang, signaling it was time for music class. Although I had the same class as Kendall, I didn't have to sit with him and that was good enough for me. I quickly grabbed my backpack and bolted out the classroom before Kendall had any time to walk with me. I entered the music room and took a lone empty chair. Well, guess who sat next to me? Kendall and his goons decided to surround me with their annoying presence.

"Really?" I muttered angrily at him when they took the seats next to me.

"Really," he flatly said, flashing me a smile. How can he be so damn happy with the way I'm treating him?

Our activity today was to sing one of our favorite songs. Luckily, our teacher, Miss Lily, took volunteers because I would've died if I had to just randomly sing a song. Being a perfectionist, I'd have to stay up day and night choosing the perfect song to sing; however, Kendall was the complete opposite. His hand shot up the second she said "volunteers." Miss Lily smiled warmly and left the front of the room to let Kendall stand up there. He took a guitar and played a few notes to check if it was in tune or not.

He cleared his throat. "Hi, guys. I'm Kendall. I'd like to sing a song that really expresses how I feel about someone. I try to make it work, but it seems to never work."

He started to strum and began to sing. Boy was his voice angelic.

_"Young, full of running, tell me where has that taken me? Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity."_

I smile as each word beautifully flows out of Kendall's mouth. I love John Mayer, I love this song, and I fucking love his voice! I mean, you don't have to like someone just to like their voice right?

"_Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me." _Then I swear to God he was looking straight at me. _"For all of my trying, we still end up dying. How can it be?"_

I feel myself turn scarlet and Kendall smirks. _Ugh, that asshole!_

_"Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me. 'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see."_ A wink and I blush even more.

"_I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe."_ Then his face turns a little darker, his striking green eyes still gazing at me. "_There I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me."_

At this point, I'm just blushing like crazy. I hear Carlos and James giggle behind me, probably noticing that Kendall was singing it to me.

"_So young, full of running, all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing, silently screaming, 'I have to haaaave you noooow."_ Kendall looked straight at me. Why is he making me blush so much? His looks… they seem to hold so much emotion into it. Is it possible he was telling me the truth? Sure I wanted to doubt it, but I've never seen him so serious before.

"_Wired and I'm tired; think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor. Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours." _Kendall winks at me… again. Holy crap, I think I might just die from embarrassment and from turning so red.

I try to look away and block out the sound for the rest of the song, but I know I still wanted to listen. Kendall took a seat next to me after he finished and the next student walked up the front.

"Did you like it?" Kendall inquired, obviously seeing my super red face.

I gulped. "Uh…" I couldn't look at him right now. "It was inappropriate."

"I don't give a fuck if you think it's appropriate. I asked did you like it." Kendall kept his eyes locked on me, waiting for me to give him a response.

"Completely inappropriate," I heard myself say. Kendall gave a sly grin and turned his attention toward the singing teen at the front of the room.

I felt relieved when he turned away and wiped some of my sweat off. What was happening to me? I never felt like this before… Kendall always knows how to trip me up it scares me. Part of me wants to believe that he's in love with me and the other is telling me to not trust him. So wait… do I like him back then?

**I don't know if I dragged on the singing part a little longer than necessary...  
>But I wanted to show that Logan is <em>really<em> conflicted and I think I managed to do that.  
>Well it's 2:30 AM right now, and I'm fucking tired.<br>Excuse me if there are any grammatical errors.**

**R&R!  
>Until next time,<br>Scarlett xoxo. **


	4. And It's Taking Control

**Kay, the way I see it is that I'm going to finish this story before I finish the rest.  
>I'm seriously in fucking love with this story and it's so so so much fun to write. I have no writer's block whatsoever.<br>Thanks for all the kind reviews! 3 Seriously, you guys mean the world to me. :')  
>Aw, look I'm crying!<br>Anywaaaaaays, enjoy! ;)**

**Btw, I own nothing. ._. A little late there, Scarlett, aren't you? **

For the rest of the day, I gave my best attempt to ignore him. I spent lunch in a gross bathroom stall; all because I didn't want to face Kendall. I couldn't. There I was, perfectly content—no, ecstatic!—when I hated his stupid guts, but now, here I am letting Kendall break me again. _The song "dedicated to you" didn't display how he feels,_ I told myself. _It's just another way to catch you off guard._ But what if I didn't want to doubt anymore? I miss having friends, I really did. But Kendall never was my friend, was he? I groaned as the thought cycle continued once again. When the bell rang, I quickly walked to fifth period, which was literature. Thank God I didn't have Kendall in my class. I took a seat in the front to make sure I paid attention, but much to my dismay, James took the seat behind me.

"Hey," he greeted, ignoring the fact that I hated him.

I shot him a weird look and turned away.

I heard him sigh behind me. "Okay, fine," he grumbled.

"Fine, what?" I twisted around to face him.

"Nothing, nothing. I get it, you really don't like me." He wasn't even looking at me.

"James, you _do_ understand why, right?" I questioned as if I was talking to a three year old.

James nodded. "And you do understand that we're _all_ sorry, right?"

"Yeah but—," I began.

"Look I want you to know that I never wanted to do anything of the sort to you. It was Kendall who made us do all of this. Okay, I don't want to pin it all on him because I have to take responsibility of my actions, regardless of why I did it. What I did was really wrong, and if I could take it all back I would. But I know I can't, and I have to accept it. It's just…" James broke the eye contact. "It's just I wish I never did those things to you."

I couldn't help but feel sympathy towards him. I mean, he was a complete ass wipe to me, but he _was_ just doing what Kendall told him to do. When you're young, all you really want is approval, especially from the "cool kids." Plus, his innocent hazel eyes were just _begging_ to be forgiven.

"James," I finally sighed, regaining my composure before continuing. "I'm so glad you realized what you did was wrong. I'm not really sure _why_, but I've decided to forgive you." I gave him a reassuring smile and saw his face brighten.

"A-are you serious?" He stuttered, excited out of his mind.

I laughed as I nodded. "Yeah, man. We're cool."

This was completely out of character, and I had no idea what I had just done. Although James and Carlos were practically forced by Kendall, they still did the hurtful things to me. I guess I was just desperate to find friends.

"You won't regret it, Logan!" James flashed his pearly white teeth and fist bumped me. I turned back to face the front as I heard the teacher ask for our undivided attention, still smiling. Just because I was friends with James and maybe Carlos, doesn't mean I have to be friends with Kendall.

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

The final bell of the day was probably the highlight of my day, except for the fact that James and I had mended our broken friendship. I should've assumed that Carlos was going to find me at my locker. There's no way James would've kept his mouth shut about me and him.

"Sup!" he exclaimed, the dorkiest smile I've ever seen in my life painted on his face.

I pushed my eyebrows together and chuckled. "Hey?"

"So I just wanted to say something." Carlos's usual silly face turned more serious. "You have to believe me when I say I'm extremely sorry. For everything, Logan. For making your life suck here in Minnetonka, for inflicting daily physical and mental torture, and just… everything. For listening to Kendall's immature orders; everything."

Before I could say anything, he continued once again after looking around him and lowering his voice level to a whisper.

"Just between you and me, Kendall had a _huge_ crush on you the entire time. It was just a… horribly thought out plan to get your attention."

I looked at Carlos, stunned. "Huh?"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "I'm not repeating that, you heard me the first time! I know, James and I tried to tell him that he was just hurting you, but you know Kendall. He's stubborn as a frog."

I was about to question how frogs were stubborn in any way, but dropped it as I remembered it was Carlos. Nothing he said really made sense.

"But… but…" I searched my brain a billion times, trying to find something to say back to him but I couldn't.

Carlos shrugged and gave me an amiable smile. "Well, I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow?"

I nodded, eyes looking straight at the ground. I watched Carlos skip away happily as guilt started to take over my body. My stab wounds seem to hurt more than ever as I drop to my knees from the pain. I groaned and lifted my shirt to see the tightly wound medical tape around my abdomen, still soaked in blood. _I really need to get that checked…_ I thought. All the terrible things I said to Kendall made me feel like such a bad person. The whole time I thought he'd just been lying to me, befriending me to hurt me. Again, anger quickly came and guilt left. Kendall treated me like _shit_ just because of some fucking retarded crush? What kind of person does this? Ruin a kid's social life and mentally scar them? Ugh, how I wanted to just punch him in the face. If only I could get up… I pushed off from the ground, only to fall back down. As my vision started to blacken, I laughed to myself. _Wow, déjà vu, _I thought, and collapsed onto the ground.

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

I blinked several times to get used to the hospital lights. I slowly turned my head towards the window to find the sky dark and filled with stars. _Wow, how long have I been unconscious?_ That's when I realized I was in the hospital again. Wow, second time already. I sighed and sat up, only to be forced back down by sharp pain.

"You're awake?"

My head whipped around to see my mom, eyes filled with concern and anger.

"Yeah, obviously," I mumbled and shrugged.

"Why didn't you tell me you got _stabbed?_" she yelled, suddenly forgetting the fact we're in a fucking hospital.

"I'm sorry Mom, I didn't want to worry you," I replied.

She let out an exasperated sigh and took a seat next to me.

"You know you could've _bled_ to death?" she asked, furious.

"But I used medical tape, wrapping it _really tightly_—!"

"That doesn't stop the bleeding, honey! It only slows it down. You know you could've died? You're so lucky Kendall found you and took you to the hospital!"

_Whoa what? Kendall?_

"Whoa, rewind. Kendall? As in Kendall Knight?" My eyebrows were practically defying gravity.

She nodded her head vigorously. "Yes. I sent him home at 11:23."

"Can I leave here?" I inquired, unable to look at anyone. _Wow, I can't believe Kendall did this._

"No, you have ten stitches and they want you to stay here overnight."

I didn't answer to it and just grabbed my phone, which was lying on the side table. Ten unread messages from James, Carlos, some friends from LA, and _Kendall._ I felt my heart skip a beat when I read his name.

**To: Logie  
>From: Kendall<br>****hey logie! when u get this, txt me back. i need to make sure ur ok.**

Before I sent something back, I told my mom to go home. She was reluctant to, but did so anyways. I told her I'd talk to her tomorrow. After she left, I opened my messaging and decided to reply.

**To: Kendall  
><strong>**From: Logan  
><strong>**Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Thanks by the way. And didn't I tell you to stop calling me Logie…?**

Almost immediately, my phone vibrated. I couldn't help but smile when he read the text.

**To: Logie  
>From: Kendall<br>****no prob babe. just glad ur ok. & thats just 2 effing bad, logie. ;)**

Ugh, there he goes with the super flirty texts! I always begin to feel more pain in my wound whenever I make an attempt to find out my feelings towards Kendall. Now that I knew he was serious about liking me… or loving me, a part of me just wanted to run up to him and kiss him a million times. Dude, not gonna lie, he's fucking hot. Wait, that just slipped out… But I knew that Kendall was not to be trusted. If he tortured me out of love, I _really _don't want to know what would happen if we started to become something more than friends. Nonetheless, he ruined my life and the well-being of my mental state, and for that, I can't forgive him. No one should be able to be forgiven for messing up one's mental health, especially something so permanent that will stay with one for the rest of his or her life. And that's exactly what Kendall did: screw with my mental health. I knew I had to stay away from him, and that was my final decision.

**To: Kendall  
><strong>**From: Logan  
><strong>**Stop, Kendall. This doesn't change the way I feel about you. I couldn't care less if you saved my life or not, because you can never be forgiven.**

I gotta admit, it hurt a whole fucking lot to send that text, but it had to be done. I couldn't let my already fragile heart get put in the risk of being shattered. Who cares if I was actually developing feelings? I was more concerned with my sanity.

**To: Logie  
><strong>**From: Kendall  
><strong>**come on dont pretend like u didnt like the song i sang 4 u today. u were blushing like crazy! face it, u've fallen for me. just forgive me & i can be all urs. *heart***

Alright now my palms are sweaty.

**To: Kendall  
>From: Logan<br>****K, I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're just seeing what you want to see. But the way I see it is we're going to finish the math paper and afterwards, stay out of each other's lives for good. Clear?**

**To: Logie  
><strong>**From: Kendall  
><strong>**u forgive carlos & james but not me? im really lost, can u help a guy out here?**

I sighed. I really didn't want to explain this.

**To: Kendall  
><strong>**From: Logan  
><strong>**There's really nothing to explain. Look, I'm going to get some sleep. My stitches still hurt and I don't want to think about all of this right now. Night.**

I set my phone on the table beside me to find it vibrate again. I picked it up again and read the text.

**To: Logie  
><strong>**From: Kendall  
><strong>…**alright. sleep tight, i guess. btw, when r we meeting up for the paper?**

**To: Kendall  
><strong>**From: Logan  
><strong>**Uh, tomorrow after school at my place. How does that sound?**

**To: Logie  
><strong>**From: Kendall  
><strong>**sure that sounds fine. night.**

His last text seemed so unanimated, unlike the other texts that he sent. I could feel my heart sink a little lower, knowing that I broke Kendall Knight's heart. The bully that made my childhood a nightmare is now the little kid I'm bullying. I tried to shake my thoughts off and not think about it, but to no avail. Why did I have to be such a forgiving guy? It sucks to feel sorry for a boy that doesn't deserve sympathy. But I can't help feel like it has to do with a little something called _love_ too.

**TEE HEEEEEE!  
>Love is in the muthafuckin' airrrrr!<br>I promise there will be some hot Kogan scenes next chapter! I proooomiiiiseee!  
>Y'all have been waiting so patiently. :3<br>**

**Until next time,  
>Scarlett xoxo. <strong>


	5. How Did It End Up Like This?

**Okay, I really didn't like this chapter. :(  
>I found it to be bleah, but you can see for yourself! <strong>

I finally got to go home at around 2 PM where I spent the time waiting for school to get out and Kendall to come lying in my bed resting. At around 3:30, I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in," I called from inside my room, eyes still closed.

The door opened slowly and the creaking made me lift my head. Kendall popped his head in and gave me a smile.

"Hi, how you feeling?" he asked.

I let my head hit my pillow again and smiled politely. "Better."

He walked over and sat on my bed.

"Maybe we should do this some other time. You look tired."

I sat up. "I'll be fine. Grab my laptop and the textbook."

Kendall sighed and took the MacBook from my desk along with the calculus book. He handed it to me and I turned it on. In order to avoid eye contact, I stared at my screen, waiting for it to start up. The only sound we could both hear is the laptop humming.

_"Still alive but I'm barely breathing. Just praying to a God I don't believe in."_ I glanced up to see Kendall looking at my carpet, singing to himself. I scrunched my nose and furrowed my eyebrows and let out a small chuckle.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm serenading your carpet." He smiled and turned to me.

I laughed. "Shut up, I'm still not talking to you." I saw his smile turn wider.

"You're funny. Alright, so derivatives. What are we gonna write about? Finding the slope? Power rules?" He scooted next to me so he could see the screen.

I opened Microsoft Word and typed out our names and topic.

"Sure. Let's type out limit F of X when H is zero is F of X plus H minus F of X all over H." My fingers rapidly typed the formula.

Kendall cracked open the textbook to double check. I saw him look up at me, making me side glance at him.

"Yes?" I asked, looking back at my laptop.

He looked down at my hand and gingerly laced his fingers in mine. I slowly pulled away.

"Kendall…" I sighed, looking at him.

"What?" he grumbled, pouting. "I can't help it. You're just here being all hot and stuff."

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? 'Hot and stuff?'"

One side of his lips started to curl and he shrugged. But I realized that I actually wasn't all that irritated. In fact, I kind of _wanted_ him to hold my hand. _No Logan, you don't! Remember what you decided yesterday? This is for your own good._ I gave myself a mental kick. I knew it was the right thing to do, to stay away from Kendall. But I just came back from the hospital and I wasn't thinking, so I was allowed to do something stupid. I slowly leaned in closer to Kendall's face, cocking my head to the right ever so slightly.

"I don't know what I'm doing, but fuck it, I'm doing it anyways," I whispered right before I placed my lips onto his.

Two weeks ago, I didn't understand all the hype about kissing. But as soon as my lips touched Kendall's, sparks flew and I now understand. He parted his mouth a little and I took his invitation, darting my tongue into his mouth. Our tongues collided, making Kendall moan a little. His moan was the hottest thing I've ever heard. I started to fight for dominance and pushed Kendall onto his back. I pulled back for air and I heard him say, "Damn, Logie!" I smiled at him and our lips collided once again. Our tongues wrestled and I was the clear winner. I rolled onto my back beside him, both staring at the ceiling panting.

"That was…" Kendall began, thinking of a word to describe the kiss.

"Fucking amazing?" I proposed.

"Yeah, fucking amazing," he agreed, holding my hand. We laid there for a while, not wanting to move and not wanting to do anything else.

"So Logan, I gotta ask what made you change your mind," Kendall said, sitting up and facing me.

I sighed and sat up. "I don't know. I couldn't control myself. Don't think that for one second I forgive you though."

"You're still upset? Logan—!"

"Of course, Kendall. Do you know I have serious trust issues now? That I'm afraid to make friends, scared that they aren't really my friend? It took me a whole year to consider my friends in LA friends. When someone touches me, I freak out and panic. When people look at me, I feel like they're plotting my downfall. _Kendall,_ I'm a completely paranoid all the time! I don't expect people to follow through their promises and I'd rather refrain from all human contact than to be hurt again." I let out an exasperated sigh and hung my head only to have Kendall's finger tilt it up to face him.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know. It was just my fucked up attempt at getting your attention. I've loved you for all my life, and I guess in a way at the same time, I wanted to believe that you weren't worth my time. I wanted to make myself believe that you were a loser and I only liked you to torture you. It's complicated, and I _still_ don't know my exact intentions for bullying you were. But all I know is I'm sorry, and I took away a huge part of you. Hell, if I were you, I wouldn't forgive myself." He gave me a pained expression, his green eyes filled with regret and pain. "So I agree. I'll stay out of your life after this project. I can't risk hurting you anymore. And you know what they say, if you love something, let it go." He chuckled, trying to lighten to the mood.

I tried to say something back, but my voice box would allow none of it. I was glad that Kendall respected my wishes and seemed to care about me. Maybe when the right time comes, we can try again at being friends, who knows? However, I also didn't want him to leave me. I didn't exactly get it because I _knew_ I was still extremely upset at what he did in the past. But maybe… maybe it's time to let go of the past and just live my life. Kendall seemed like he genuinely had changed, and maybe that's proof enough. He noticed how uncomfortable I was so he picked up the laptop and started typing, deciding me to give me some space. There we were in my room, silently typing away.

The next day, it was hard to see Kendall not pay any attention to me. Occasionally I would see him glance at me from across the room during class but he never tried to talk to me like he usually did. And that bothered me. Now I knew he was just doing me a favor, but I felt it was more like torture. I didn't take thorough notes like I usually did in class, thanks to Kendall complete domination of my mind. After fifth period, I walked into the cafeteria, taking the seat at the table I sat in the first day of school. It was nice and empty, not to mention away from all the chatter. I pulled out my history textbook and a piece of binder paper, eagerly scribbling notes to take my mind off of Kendall. I had a lot to catch up considering I blanked out during class.

"_The US joined World War I due to unrestricted submarine warfare (the sinking of Lusitania to be exact) and the Zimmerman Note,"_ I read aloud as I wrote.

"Sup, Loganator!"

I looked up and saw Carlos with James, taking a seat across from me.

"Hey," I greeted, putting down my pencil. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Thought we could hang here until Kendall and our buds arrive. Want to join us?" James asked.

"Nah, I gotta catch up on history." I gave them an apologetic look and pointed to my notes.

"We did that in class today, weren't you listening?" Carlos pushed his eyebrows closer.

I shook my head. "I was really out of it."

"Well, how are you feeling today?" Carlos questioned, referring to my wound. "When can you take the stitches out?"

"Uh, I got it checked yesterday and the doc said in a week or so."

James and Carlos smiled and patted me on the back at the same time. "That's good. Well there's Kendall, sure you don't want to hang out with us?"

"No, I hate Kendall remember?" I gave them a fake smile, but they didn't notice. They just waved bye to me and left. My eyes followed James and Carlos until Kendall saw me. I quickly turned away and tried to hide my flushed face. I let out a sigh and picked up my pencil, ready to start writing again.

"_The Zimmerman Note was a note from Germany that was given to Mexico—."_

I stopped writing as saw somebody's shadow behind me. My head whipped around to see who was blocking my light.

"Dude, can't you see I'm trying to—Kendall! What are you doing here?" I let out a nervous chuckle that sounded more like a bleat to me.

"Did you print out the math paper yet?" he asked, no readable emotions on his face.

"Shit, I forgot, sorry! I'll go to the library right now." I slapped my forehead and started to pick up my pencil and history stuff.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I'll go print it," Kendall proposed and left.

I continued to pack up my belongings and ran out to meet Kendall.

"Kendall!" I cried, running as fast as my nerdy legs could carry me. Kendall stopped to turn around and waited for me to catch up.

"I told you I'll print it. What, you don't trust me?" A sly grin made its way onto the blonde's face as he joshed with me.

"No, it's not that," I replied, rolling my eyes. "It's just…"

Kendall raised his eyebrows in anticipation. "Yeah…?"

Logan looked around and pulled him into a closet. He found the light switch and flicked it on.

"You've been ignoring me all day, it's getting to me. I can't concentrate, I can't do anything right! What is wrong with me?" I gushed, not keeping anything bottled up.

"Logan—," I heard Kendall say, but interrupted him.

"I know, I know! I'm so bipolar. First I want nothing to do with you, then I want everything to do with you. Why can't I make a damn decision? It's not that hard! I mean, I hate you and everything about you, but I can't help but feel something when you're around me! I don't know what this means!"

"Calm down!" Kendall loudly said. "Breathe, dude, breathe."

I shut up and I took slow, deep breaths. After I could breathe at a comfortable rate, Kendall spoke.

"Look I'm not ignoring you. I'm only trying to refrain myself from hurting you, so don't take this personally," Kendall explained.

"I realize that, but by not talking to me, you are hurting me!" I groaned, knowing how confusing and contradictory that must've sound.

"So what do you want me to do? If I talk to you, I'm a constant reminder of the past; if I don't, you feel sad." Kendall sighed and sat down.

I bit my lip and sat down facing him.

"I don't even know. I'd like to blame you for this, though."

Kendall raised his fuzzy eyebrows, his eyes flickering with anger. "My fault? How so?"

"You and your flirty comments! That song you dedicated to me! Face it Kendall, it's your fault we got dragged into this." I wanted to duct tape my mouth shut, because it seemed like it had a mind of its own. It just kept on running.

"Okay, guilty as charged. But remember, _you kissed me_! I went to your house for a project, not to make out with you so technically, you contributed to this mess too!"

I was going to say something back, but I had nothing to say. All I knew was that Kendall was right. If I hadn't kissed him, I wouldn't have longed for more. If I didn't want more, than I would be perfectly content with Kendall ignoring me. In fact, that's what I wanted wasn't it?

Kendall's dark green eyes turned softer and his muscles relaxed. "I'm sorry, Logan. It's really not your fault. It's mine."

Then I hit him. "It's not your fault! Stop saying that!" I yelled, starting to cry.

"Okay, _now_ I'm confused."

"I don't know, Kendall. I'm a mess. I can't—I can't think straight. I can't do anything right and I'm just a dumbass that doesn't deserve to live. I'm _not_ ever going to find anyone in life if I can't trust anyone and I'm _not_ going to get that scholarship to Yale and—!"

Kendall leaned into me and our lips met. He started to move his lips, and I moved with it. He pulled back and waited for my reaction.

"Uh" was all I could make out.

Kendall laughed. "You _will._ You will find the right person and you will get that scholarship and be a successful doctor. Why do you doubt yourself like this?"

I shrugged, still surprised. Kendall flicked my nose and whispered, "You're so cute, Logie." He helped me up from the ground and gave me another kiss.

"So are we… a thing?" I finally asked.

Kendall shrugged. "I dunno, we're anything you want it to be."

**Eeeeek, don't pelt me with tomatoes. :(  
>Sorry if it wasn't great. Hopefully, the next chapter will be wayy better. :D<br>The question now is... what does Logan want them to be? :O**

**Until next time,  
><strong>**Scarlett xoxo. **


	6. And It's All In My Head

**Yes, guys. It's true. I've updated!  
>It's been a loooong time since that last update.<br>And it's been a long time since I've written Kogan/Jarlos.  
>You were happy with all that Kogan fluff, right?<br>Then you're going to _love_ this one. :D Not.  
>It's going to be sad. :(<br>Except for Jarlos lovers. **

* * *

><p>I'm so relieved. Ever since that encounter in the janitor's closet, he's been so patient with me. He knew I was hesitant with everything, and hesitant to trust him, so he waited. We haven't made it official, and I'm not even sure I wanted to. Labels stink, anyways. They make everything worse. Not everything in this world needs a definition, and this is coming from a genius like me. No one knew about <em>us<em> aside from Carlos and James.

Speaking of Carlos and James, Kendall and I had deducted they had a bit of a _thing_ going on, if you catch my drift. Now that I spent less time being an ass to Kendall and instead hung out with them, I noticed the glances they would send each other when they weren't looking. Sure, they didn't notice, but Kendall and I sure did.

"We have got to get them together," Kendall giggled to me, then taking a big bite out of his sandwich.

"Sh, Kendall! You said that so loud! They could've heard us," I whispered harshly, punching the blonde lightly on the arm.

"Oh please. They're off in la la land talking and flirting about who-knows-what, so I don't think they give a rat's ass about what we're talking about. Also, this cafeteria is fucking noisy." He rose his voice when he said 'fucking noisy' to get a reaction out of me, and it worked. I hit him again.

"Dude!"

He chuckled and gave me a quick side hug. "Oh relax, Logie. One day, you're going to get all stressed and get angina or something."

I raised my eyebrows and turned to look at him. He took another bite from his sandwich, and then turned to face me when he noticed me staring at him.

"What?" he mumbled with his mouth full.

"Do you even know what angina is? You can't get angina from stress, Kendall," I stated matter-of-factly. Great, the nerdy side of me was taking over now. Kendall must think I'm a freak.

"Whatever. What is angina anyways?" he scoffed, rolling his dazzling emerald orbs and shrugging.

"Angina is chest pain or discomfort that is caused when your heart muscle doesn't get enough—." I was cut off by a loud, obnoxious laughter from across our table.

Kendall and I just sat there, mouths gaping at the sight. Carlos and James were practically _snuggling_ with each other. Their shoulders were touching, they were most likely holding hands under the table, and they were nuzzling their noses together. When did all this happen…?

"Uh, James? Carlos?"

I whipped my head toward Kendall, giving him a look that screams 'what-are-you-doing?'

They pulled back and gave them his attention, an obvious scowl on both of their faces. "What?"

"You guys are… sexing it up." Kendall stifled laughter and clasped his hand over his mouth.

I rolled my eyes. Same old Kendal… Immature as ever.

Blushes crept onto the lovers' faces and they scooted further apart, scanning around the room to see if there were any witnesses.

"Kendall, they were having a moment," I sighed. "You can't just break them apart and embarrass them!"

He shrugged and muttered out a quick "sorry" before turning back to his food. I could tell he was upset. I'm not sure why and so suddenly, but something was bothering my baby, and I'm definitely not okay with that. We spent the rest of lunchtime in weird, uncomfortable silence. Kendall's sudden mood swing obviously meant he didn't want to talk and James and Carlos were now completely mortified. They were doing this all subconsciously. I sighed, kind of jealous. When they were together, they acted like they were the only two in the world and nothing else mattered. But me? I can't just let everything happen spontaneously. No, it was too much for my organized brain to handle. I care too much about what people think of me, so I'd never do anything eccentric and bold. I get jealous and suspicious of everything, like even the people I trust most have cynical ways of thinking. I was overly paranoid and I can't sit still. That's when it dawned me. I'm the complete opposite of Kendall. I'm boring, he's not. And soon, he's going to get tired of me. He's not going to want me. He's going to go back to the way he was before. Abusive. _No, he won't Logan! Can't you just trust someone for a minute? Believe that everything's going to be fine? He promised, didn't he?_ I smiled a little bit, proud that I'm actually trusting for once.

My smile quickly faded away as I plunged deeper into my thoughts. _Please, Logan. You're alone and unloved, fragile and broken. As soon as Kendall sees how much of a mess you are, you really think he'll want to pick up all the shattered pieces of you? That's just too good to be true. And don't you even remember? The reason you're so broken is __**because**__ of him. The boy that so-called loves you. He's just using you, Logan. He thinks you've been a coward for running, and he wants to break you more than ever. Why can't you ever see anything? You're useless, and I don't understand how anyone calls you smart._

I was on the verge of tears from vexation and hurt until the bell rang, shaking me out of my thoughts. My heart was breaking and I didn't know why. The voices don't know anything. They couldn't because they weren't real. I was just crazy. All they did was tear the already mended pieces of me apart; they _wanted_ to see me break down. But they were never wrong. Well, never proven wrong that is. How do I know that Kendall really loves me? He used to do this _all_ the time to me. I got up and walked away before saying bye and I skipped the next class, hiding in the bathroom. I was sobbing and a wreck as I remembered the most horrible thing Kendall has ever happened to me. It was a few days before I was leaving, and since it was a small town, everyone knew everything that went on.

* * *

><p><em>~Flashback~<em>

_I rushed out of class, making a B-line for my mom's old car, and I would've made it if I had just walked faster and turned the damn corner. Before I could, though, a hand firmly pulled me back, making me fall flat on my butt. I clenched my fist and jerked my hand from his grasp, about to give this son of a bitch a piece of my mind. Well, until I realized it was Kendall. Kendall was the only one who scared me. I didn't care about the rest of the school; no one fazed me. I didn't care about his stupid goons. It was all about Kendall. He had single-handedly ruined my childhood, and I was damn scared of him. He gave me a big grin, his vibrant green eyes glimmering with mischief. His favorite grey beanie was pulled over his golden locks just grazing his bushy eyebrows. Classic Kendall. It's the same look he always gave me. I could never tell if he was going to beat me half to death or do something nice for me. Of course, whenever he did something nice for me, he did it for the sole purpose of bringing my hopes up and then shooting them down. So I guess he never meant something well._

_ "K-Kendall!" I stuttered, wiping my sweaty palms on my khaki shorts._

_ "Logan," he said, nodding his head a little._

_ "Is there a problem?" I asked, lips quivering as Kendall got painfully close to my face. Our noses were almost touching._

_ "Nope," he simply replied, popping the 'p.' "Just wanted to apologize to you for the past few years of your life."_

_ I looked at him, skeptical. My dark brown eyes narrowed and head cocked up and to the side. I didn't want to believe him, but Kendall was fucking persuasive. He just wouldn't take no for an answer. "…Okay, thank you?"_

_ He rolled his eyes and huffed, minty fresh breath taking over my senses. He always chewed gum. Always. "That wasn't the apology, you dumbfuck."_

_ I shrunk a little, hurt by his comments. I definitely wasn't one that could take insults, even though this was a daily routine._

_ He helped me off the floor and gestured to me with a wave. "Follow me."_

_ I didn't move. "Kendall, my mom is waiting for me. I have to do some packing."_

_ Kendall stopped dead in his tracks, then slowly turning around._

_ "I don't care, Logan. Stop being so defiant, and follow me," he growled menacingly, causing a whimper to utter out of my wimpy mouth._

_ His frown contorted to a cheeky grin and raised one eyebrow. "Stop squeaking and follow me, I won't hurt you."_

_ I shook my head violently. "I __**can't**__," I reminded, this time speaking louder. "My mom is waiting for me right now."_

_ He stormed up to me and grabbed me by the wrist. His grip was really tight, probably cutting off all circulation in my wrist. _

_ "Ow!" I whined, trying to remove his hand. "Let go of me, Kendall!"_

_ "Logan, I really don't want to have to duct tape your mouth shut and beat you up before I toss you in a lake, okay? So please just shut up and follow me or you'll get hurt," he threatened, voice low and eyes clouded with anger. _

_ I nodded and complied his orders. He led me to our local bowling alley, grinning like an idiot. That got me uneasy, not that the whole situation I was in didn't, but it got me even more so. _

_ "Kendall…" I croaked._

_ "Shut up, Logan," he sang, pulling me faster. "We're almost there."_

_ "Why are we here?" I cried, almost bursting into tears._

_ "Relax, buddy," he coaxed, his usual violent voice replaced by a soft, gentle one. Very oddly out of character._

_ He pulled me into the doors and at least forty people jumped out from under tables and behind shelves and yelled out, "SURPRISE!" _

_ There was a huge banner that read "Logan's Goodbye Party!" in massive block letters and "We'll all miss him dearly" underneath in a slightly smaller font. I gasped, completely shocked that Kendall had thrown this for me. This is __**really**__ out of character... The rest of the day went extremely great after I called my very angry mom and explained to her what had happened. She didn't care, though, she was just happy people did this for me._

_ The day after this party, everyone treated me with kindness. They all came up to me and hugged me at school, telling me they'll miss me so much and they're sorry for any mean things they ever did. I was beginning to feel sad. I was so eager to leave, and now they're showing me all this kindness that I clearly lacked all of my life. Kendall, James, and Carlos invited me to sit with them for the rest of my stay in Minnetonka, which was a change from eating alone in the bathroom to hide from them. It was weird, but in a way invigorating to be accepted. _

_ Then the last day came. Everything was great, until I was about to leave. Kendall told me he had another surprise waiting in the alley behind the school. I happily agreed to meet him after school, since it would be the last time I'd see him. I was actually tearing on my way to see him. I approached the guys while they were leaning against the brick wall, evidently waiting for me. I saw small smiles on Carlos' and James' face, but Kendall… he looked like he was about to explode from pure rage. That worried me._

_ "Hey guys," I greeted, not taking my eyes off of Kendall._

_ "So we got you a goodbye present," James started off. He inched closer to me with Carlos by his side._

_ "You guys really didn't have to. But thanks," I chirped, not knowing what was coming._

_ Kendall walked briskly up to me and delivered an uppercut to my jaw. I fell to the floor with a thud and held my jaw._

_ "AUGH!" I screamed in agony. A kick in the gut. I shut my eyes, tears streaming down my face. I should've known this was too good to be true. I was peeled from the dirty ground and thrown against the brick wall of the alley. This day, I vowed I'd never trust anyone again. I hated Kendall Knight. He was the only one who could break me like this, and I promised myself I never wanted to see him anymore._

* * *

><p>I wiped my tears from my eyes and cheeks, sniffling as I unlocked the stall door with a click and approached the mirror. Boy, did I look like shit! My eyes were puffy and extremely red. The tip of my nose was pink from all the sniffling and nose rubbing, and I had a permanent grimace tattooed on my pale face. On the inside, I didn't feel much better. That's it. The voices have won. They have truly convinced me that Kendall didn't love me, that no one loved me. <em>I<em> had convinced myself Kendall hates me. I should've never given in. Even if that 1% chance that Kendall had changed was factual, it still didn't change a thing. Skipping class had made me realized two things. One, it had brought back the truly malicious things he had done to me. I had actually forgotten about them. Well, almost. Two, I wasn't going to ever get into Yale. I skipped class, God damn it! I've ruined my perfect attendance, all because of Kendall stupid fucking Knight. I chuckled to myself silently. _I'm Logan fucking Mitchell, and I don't break promises. __**Especially**__ promises I made myself._

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><p><strong>Mitchell, what did you get yourself into? :(<br>YOU COULD'VE JUST BEEN HAPPY.  
>Okay, I totally ruined this story, I'm so sorry.<br>Guess it's back to square one for Logan. Brace yourself for the next chappy! :D**


	7. Swimming Through Sick Lullabies

**Man, I'm excited for this. My writer's block has officially been overcome.  
>I know exactly what's gonna go down. ;D<br>This chapter's a little shorter than normal, but it's filled with drama~.  
>Enjoy, guys! :)<strong>

* * *

><p>School had officially ended, and I had successfully managed to stay out of my friends' sights. In between classes, I practically sprinted to the next class, taking shortcuts and paths that my friends didn't. And it was working out pretty well until the principal called me into his office. On the announcements. Meaning everyone now knew where I was going to be. <em>Sigh.<em> I just really hope Kendall doesn't wait for me.

I knocked gently on the door to Principal Golding's and stood there, awaiting for his consent.

"Come in, the door's unlocked."

I slowly turned the cold, metal handle and pushed the heavy wooden door, slipping in and closing it gently. The middle-aged man was sitting in a nice, presentable suit, not making eye contact. He was scanning his computer screen when suddenly his eyes darted towards me and gestured for me to sit down. I took the seat across from him, feeling rather uncomfortable.

"Is there any reason you wanted to see me, Mr. Golding?" I asked nervously, clearing my throat a bunch of times. I changed my position plenty of times during those long, agonizing seconds.

"Yes, actually there is, Mr. Mitchell," he finally spoke, removing the pair of super dorky glasses he probably had since the '80s and placing them gently onto the oak wood table. "It says here that you weren't present in sixth period. I just wanted to clarify and confirm it was just a mistake. I mean, you couldn't have skipped class, _right_?"

Now I was sweating, borderline passing out from the intense stare he was giving me. Like he was anticipating for me to say "Of course I was there! I'm Logan Mitchell, I don't skip class!" But of course, that would be lying. And I couldn't do that without vomiting. Never could. I sucked real ass at lying. I can't say that I wasn't thinking about lying though. If I just tell him I was present, he would just change it and my chances in getting into Yale would return. But for some reason, I quickly removed that option from my head. Getting into Yale was never really _my_ dream. I _thought_ it was. It was my mom's dream. Nothing in her life had turned out the way she had hoped, and she obviously wanted to live it through me. She wanted me to live a happy, successful, and wealthy life. She has good intentions, I know that. But sometimes, it's too much. There's only so much I can handle. She just didn't trust me. She assumed I would screw everything up. Then I realized she was right. Here I am in the principal's office, screwing up my bright future. I guess my mom does know me better than myself.

"Mr. Mitchell?" I looked up to meet his eyes, but it was difficult. I hadn't realized I had lowered my gaze and was looking at my hands.

"Sorry," I apologized. "But the truth is I wasn't there. I skipped class."

I swear to God I heard a gasp escape from his lips, like he didn't know I would _ever_ think of doing something like that.

"Mr. Mitchell, I don't understand. Why would you skip class?"

I could hear the disappointment in his voice. This angered me so much. Everyone in my life has thought of me as a disappointment. I've never made anybody proud, and I hated it! Absolutely despised it! And I'm sitting in my principal's office, feeling like the scum of the earth. _What a crappy day..._

"Look, I know this is no excuse, but I'm having a really rough day." I bit my lip, trying to stop them from quivering and from my voice breaking.

Principal Golding's once cloudy dark eyes were now clear and returned to looking tired and worn out. The wrinkles on his face seemed to relax and he sat back into his chair, fingers interlocked.

"Mr. Mitchell, I'm sure _you_ understand there is never a good reason to skip class. _Never_. But this is strangely out of character, and I expect it won't happen again right?"

Oh, how I wanted to scream, "Yes, it will happen again! I'm sick of being... _me_! I'm sick of always striving to be perfect in every aspect. I'm sick of my mom _never_ rewarding me for my efforts, as if I _should_ be getting _spectacular_ grades! I'm sick of being scarred for life, and I'm sick of Minnesota! All I want to do is to return to LA and leave my past, leave Minnesota behind!" But I didn't. That would be stupid and rash, and not me.

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"I'll let this one slide because you're such a studious student. Next time, though, you won't be let off the hook this easily, understand Mitchell?" He leaned forward now, against his desk and looking me straight in the eye.

I nodded and hurried out the door and into the halls.

"Logie."

Shit. Kendall.

I swallowed a lump that had formed in the back of my throat and continued walking, picking up the speed a little.

"Wait! Logan?"

I heard rapid footsteps, making my heart quicken and I broke into a run. I had to get away from him. I didn't want to confront him. I pushed the clear glass doors of the school and raced out into the parking lot. My breath hitched and I yelped as I felt a hand grab my wrist and jerk me down onto the asphalt. This reminded me of my last few days of school...

"What?" I screamed, sobbing. I didn't know why, it was like I didn't have any control over my tear ducts. They had just decided to release every ounce of tears they had, for kicks and giggles.

"Logie, stop!" His voice was gentle, but firm. He was still gripping onto my hand as I was trying to squirm free. "What's going on?"

Kendall's P.O.V.

He didn't answer. He just kept crying and crying, and I really didn't understand why. I've always knew Logan was a complex character; I could never seem to solve this kid. But _this._ This sobbing wasn't normal. I just wish I had known what caused all of this. I pulled him into my arms, stroking his soft dark hair. He was fighting even more now, practically thrashing in my embrace. I could tell he wanted nothing more than to break free from me.

"Shh..." I cooed, still petting his hair like a delicate kitten. He stopped fighting now, which was a relief, but he cried even harder. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Fuck off, Knight," he spat, hiccuping from all the crying.

I pulled away and my eyebrows shot up, completely caught off guard. Did he just tell me to 'fuck off?'

"Logie, are you okay...?"

He pushed me away from him and started slowly shaking his head. Okay, now I'm officially scared.

"Stop. Calling. Me. That."

At first, I thought this was a cruel joke. I mean, no way this was serious right? If anything, _I_ should be upset. I wanted to go public with our relationship, especially after seeing Carlos and James just snuggling in public. I didn't care at all about what people thought of me. Well, first of off, no one smart would mess with me. Although I'm not exactly a bully anymore, I can still beat up whoever I want, whenever I want. Everyone knew that. But I was upset at lunch. Now I'm not. I knew Logan couldn't handle the pressures, so I was doing this for him. He was worth it.

"Logan, if this is a joke, it's not funny." I took a small step towards him, and he flinched.

"It's not a joke, Kendall. You know me, I don't play games," he said, trying to be menacing. I could easily tell he was just trying to hide his fear. Really badly, too.

"You're playing a game right now, Logan. Because I honestly don't know what's going on. Please tell me what I did wrong," I bargained, taking another step closer.

"I'm not playing a game, Kendall. You know why I can't trust you, I've told you many times before. All I ask if you stay away from me, and keep your sick games to yourself." He took a step away from me.

I was stunned. I was confused. I was... a lot of emotions. "Huh?" I finally managed out. Like, what? "I-I don't get what you're saying..."

"You hurt me, Kendall. Too many times. Remember my last few days here?" His eyes were starting to water again. He had _finally_ stopped crying and talked, and now he's going to break down again.

But I knew what he meant. I wished I didn't, but I did. That was the meanest thing I've ever done, and I've been trying to forget about it. Until now. He just _had_ to bring it up, didn't he?

He must've noticed my change in demeanor when my shoulders dropped along with my gaze because he seemed to relax. I was staring at the floor in front of me now, unable to speak. How could I? If I could take everything back, you know I would in a heartbeat.

"Logan, I thought you forgave me. I thought you knew I was sorry," I choked out. Now I was the one fighting tears.

He shrugged. "Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Who really knows?" Now he looked sickeningly happy. Like he was glad he was having the upper hand, like he was taking advantage of me and kicking me when I'm down. He knew how to break me now, just like how I'd broken him years ago.

"Don't do this to me, Logie," I pleaded with my green eyes, the eyes he loved so dearly. "You know I'm sorry, and you know I love you."

"Honestly, Kendall, I don't give a fuck if you're sorry or not. You ruined my life, period. And for that, you should never be forgiven," Logan snapped, hurt and anger swirling in the dark brown eyes of his. Tears came back. "And I know you're not sorry. You're just using me for your own entertainment."

My mouth gaped in complete shock. It was like I was talking to two different sides of him! It was insane. First it's angry, vindictive Logan who's talking to me, telling me my apologies weren't worth a fuck. Then suddenly, he cracks and out comes sad, self-loathing Logan who insisted I was playing him. What was going on?

"Logan, you're sick. You need to see a doctor. I don't know what's going on in your brain, but you need help."

He was staring at me with disbelief now, obviously not expecting this. "Are you serious? You're telling me this? You get your joy from watching people suffer and you're telling me to go see a psychiatrist? Kendall, go to fucking hell." He scoffed and began to walk the other way.

But I couldn't let him leave. He needed help. I took a deep breath before I lurched forward and grabbed him by the shirt. He squealed and started to hit me, even scratch and dig his nails into my skin. Yeah, it hurt and I was bleeding, but I had to do this. I didn't care if he hated me, I just wanted to help him. I wanted to fix him. I broke him, I made him like this, and I needed to fix everything. And if that means I have to step out of the picture forever for him to become _him_ again, I'd do it without a second thought.

* * *

><p><strong>Aw poo. :(<br>That was sad...  
>Well, the review button is waiting for you. :D <strong>


	8. But It's Just the Price I Pay

**Yeah, um, sorry about the delay. I had a bit of writer's block. I wrote half of it, but I didn't like it so I stopped. Turns out, I used most of it anyways. -_- My apologies. Well... here you go! :)**

* * *

><p><span>Kendall's P.O.V.<span>

"Kendall, put me the fuck down!" he screamed as I picked him up and threw his body over my shoulder.

"No," I said flatly as I walked towards my car. I whipped out my car keys and unlocked my car doors with a push of a button.

"W-what are you doing?" he cried again, kicking wildly.

"I'm taking you to the hospital, Logan."

He scoffed. "You're nuts. I'm not injured. I'm fine."

"Actually, baby, _you're_ nuts, which is why you need to check into the hospital," I calmly explained, setting him down on the passenger seat.

"I'm fine!" he snapped as he tried to get up and make a run for it.

I blocked him with my body and forced him inside.

"You're not," I simply said, eyes focused on my hands as I pulled the seatbelt over his fidgeting body and locked it with a small click.

Swiftly, I slammed the car door and locked it just in case Logan unbelted his seatbelt and decided to take off. I saw him unbuckle his seatbelt and pull the latch on the door, only to find it locked and grumble. I unlocked the driver's side of the car and quickly slid in and started the engine, car humming to life.

"I'm not doing this, you know?"

I pulled out of the parking space before taking a quick glance at Logan. I sighed. There was no use replying to him. I could tell he wanted to appear tough, but his eyes told me everything. He was so shattered and damaged it hurt _me_. It hurt to see him like this, but that's not what's making me feel like vomiting. The fact that he was so broken beyond repair mainly because of me absolutely _killed_ me.

By the time I pulled up to the hospital, Logan had calmed down a bit. He wasn't crying but he looked _really_ pissed. I found a close spot and opened the passenger door to help my lover out.

"No." He refused to look at me and his mouth was pursed. He had his arms crossed across his chest.

"Logan," I commanded, "let's go. Take my hand."

"I'm not going. There's nothing wrong with me," he snarled, still staring straight ahead.

I let out a sigh. "There is, Logan. I'm trying to help you. I want to… fix your brain."

He suddenly turned to me, eyes shooting daggers at me and mouth opened slightly. His eyebrows were furrowed together, as if I had just said something about his mom.

"_My brain?_ My brain is fine, thank you very much. I have straight A's."

"That's not what I meant," I groaned but was interrupted.

"Uh-uh, I'm not finished. My brain is fine, perfect actually. I don't need your help, Kendall. I just need you out of my life. Stop meddling, okay? You have done quite enough."

"Alright, I'll stop meddling if you walk through those doors. Or I will be by your side. Every. Waking. Minute." I paused momentarily to see Logan's reaction. Surely, his eyes were widened to an impossible size and his lips parted. I smirked a little. "During breakfast. At school. Like every class, I'll just skip class. Then back home. Even in the shower. And—"

I was abruptly stopped by his hand over my mouth.

"What?" I asked, voice muffled by his hand.

He was silent and staring at the gravel underneath us, hand still clamped over my mouth.

"If I go in, I won't have to see you again? Like, I'll see you at school, but I won't _see you see you_?" he said quietly.

I reluctantly nodded and he removed his hand. He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, as if he was saying 'I can't believe I'm about to do this, but fine!' He slowly began to make his way towards the Minnetonka Hospital Psychiatric Ward, me following closely behind. He stopped in front of the counter suddenly, making me crash into him.

"I can't," he sighed. "There's nothing wrong with me."

I gazed at him. His eyes held nothing but sadness and desperation. Then he turned to me and looked straight into my green eyes for the first time this afternoon, as if searching for an answer.

"Right?" His voice was breaking again, making me want to cry.

I blinked a couple of times. I couldn't say anything. If I said there was, he'd be sad. He was already so heartbroken I couldn't break his heart even more. But if I said he was perfect, which was how I really thought of him, he probably would demand to know why I brought him here then. So, naturally, I just grabbed him by the hand and pulled him towards the lady.

"Hi, how can I help you?" she asked sweetly, a big smile stretched across her tan skin.

"Hi, I'm Kendall Knight. This is Logan Mitchell. He's having some mental issues, and wants to check in."

"No I don't."

I shot him a 'don't do this to me right now' look and he just rolled his eyes. Hm. Angry Logan was back. When I turned back to the nice lady, she was clipping a piece of paper onto a clipboard and grabbed a pen from a penholder cup.

"All he needs to do is sign here and here. Are you a guardian?"

I shook my head no, and took the clipboard.

"Um, you do know his mom needs to know about this, right? Unless he's eighteen. " she nervously added, grabbing the clipboard back.

I snatched the clipboard back. "He's eighteen."

"Wait, sir, you don't understand. If he checks in, he's a voluntary patient, meaning _he_ makes the decision, not you. If he didn't attempt to commit suicide or something, he has the choice. Of course, he'll also have to talk to a doctor about his symptoms and have him diagnosed."

_Crap_, I thought. There's no fucking way Logan's going to say yes.

"Fine," I grumbled and turned towards upset Logan.

"So?" he muttered crossly, side-glaring at me.

"I can't make you because you're eighteen and a voluntary patient." I didn't look at him. I can't believe after all this, I couldn't get him into the hospital.

He seemed to relax and his face softened. He smirked.

"Great, now take me home." He began to walk out the door but I grabbed his shoulder.

"Wait, Logie. Think about this. You need help," I begged, staring straight into his beautiful dark eyes. Tears began making their way down my cheeks and I wiped it. He now looked… concerned.

Logan's P.O.V.

"I don't need help," I softly said. Kendall was scaring me now.

"You do!" he outburst, making quite a scene. People in the waiting room were now looking at us and he was sobbing.

"Kendall—," I started.

"Logan, listen to me, okay? You need help. I know you won't admit it to yourself, but you do. You act like two different people and I'm frightened for you. Sometimes when I talk to you, you have like… a split personality!"

I opened my mouth to say something, but words refused to come out.

"I love you, Logan, with everything I have. You're everything to me, and the last thing I want to do is to lose you. But I broke you, and I want to fix you. I want you to live your life in happiness. I want you to be confident in yourself, and not feel like you're worthless. I took away everything from you as a child, and I want to give it back but I can't. You need to do this for yourself, Logan. And if it means never talking to you again and never _seeing_ you again after we graduate this year, fuck, I'll do it. I'd do _anything_ for you. I'd jump off a cliff if you wanted me to. I know you don't think I'm sincere, that everything that comes out of my mouth is complete and utter bullshit, but it's not. All I want for you is to be happy, and if I can't give you that, I'll be gone. Out of your life forever. Promise. I won't go near you again."

He gently turned my head so I was looking directly in to his tear-filled eyes. He was choking in sobs and sniffled. I've never seen him this vulnerable before… I almost wanted to forgive him, until I remembered I couldn't. I just… I don't know what to think anymore. I'm tired of thinking. I want to go to sleep. Like forever.

_He's lying. He wants you to be locked in this place with all the crazies. He wants to get rid of you. Haha, you're crazy. _

He's concerned, stupid. He's not lying to me. Maybe he's not as bad as I thought.

_You worthless piece of shit. He doesn't want you. He broke you. People don't just change, you naïve fuck._

Shut the fuck up! Get out of my head!

I shut my eyes tightly and covered my ears.

_Right, as if that's going to make me magically disappear. Ha, idiot!_

"Logan…?"

I opened my eyes and removed my hands from my ears.

"What happened?" Kendall asked, eyes as wide as can be.

"Nothing," I mumbled. "Just blanked out for a sec."

"That wasn't a second, Logan. You didn't answer me for five minutes."

He furrowed his bushy blonde eyebrows and stretched out his hand to give me the clipboard. _Five minutes?_ _That couldn't be possible… I mean, this happens to me all the time; Time flies by impossibly fast, but that couldn't have been five minutes…_

"Take it," he grunted, nudging the clipboard to me. "You need to see a doctor."

I grumbled and pushed it back to him. "No. I'm not going to. I don't need help. Take me the fuck home, Kendall!"

Kendall looked shot down and blinked back tears. He lowered his hands.

"Fine," he mumbled softly. He walked back to the lady at the counter, who shot him an apologetic look.

The car ride back home was really awkward. Both of us remained in complete silence, not saying one word. To make it worse, no one dared to reach to turn on the radio; it was just _that_ awkward. After he pulled into my driveway, I quickly fled his presence without a goodbye. I just didn't know what to say. I didn't know anything anymore. As usual, my mom wasn't home. I sighed and ran to my room, shutting the door closed and locking it. I launched myself onto my bed and grabbed my laptop that was sitting on the bedside table. I powered it on and opened Google search. I couldn't help but think about what Kendall had said. Something about how I have a split personality? I typed in 'split personality' and hit the enter key. An endless list of links about multiple personality disorder, or also known as dissociative identity disorder, popped up. I clicked on the first one, and read about the symptoms, which I have to agree kind of sounds like me. I mean I never cut myself and never really attempted suicide. Sure, I've thought about it numerous times but I've never actually took action. Flashbacks definitely occurred on a regular basis, but I was traumatized. That was it.

As my eyes darted back and forth on the web page, my breathing quickened and my mouth hung open. _Paranoia, unexplained phobias, frequent panic and anxiety attacks, derealization, memory loss, loss of subjective time, multiple mannerisms—I have to admit, some of these things do happen to me. Not all, but a good amount of these symptoms have occurred at least once. But that doesn't mean… It couldn't!_ I shook my head of those thoughts and slammed the laptop closed. No. I'm not crazy. I don't have psychological issues.

_Sure you do. Look at you, you're crazy. You're losing it. _It chuckled. _You're slowly killing yourself._

"You don't know anything," I thought aloud, shaking my head violently.

_You're talking to yourself, you nut job. And you had the chance to get help, but you blew it. You always blow it._

"I didn't do anything!" I was practically screaming and hyperventilating now. "It's Kendall's fault."

_So he hurt you. Boo hoo. Get over it. When will you realize people don't care about you? You brought this upon yourself. You're naïve. You're just stupid. You let this happen. You have no one to blame but you._

"Shut up!" I shrieked and started to sob in my hands. "This is all Kendall's fault. I hate him! He did this to me… I was normal before…"

_You were never normal._

I grabbed the closest thing to me, which was my alarm clock, and chucked it at the wall. The clock hit the hard, white wall and hit it with a thud, breaking into bits and pieces and leaving a big dent. I couldn't take it anymore. The voices, the pressure from my mom, my trauma—I was sick, all because of stupid fucking Kendall. _I want to die. I don't want to live anymore._ I sniffed and wiped my tear stained face with my arm. I ran into the bathroom and grabbed my shaving razor._ I can't believe I'm about to do this... I promised myself it'd never come down to this... _I stopped myself for a moment, taking more time to think about what I was going to do. However, I raised the broken alarm clock, about to slam it down. _No, I can't live like this anymore. I can't handle it._

I smashed the razor with what was left of my alarm clock and tossed it somewhere near the toilet. I picked up the small piece of sharp metal—which was going to be my salvation—and dragged it across my wrist, hands shaking violently. Tears came to my eyes as blood started to run down. It stung so badly, but it felt so right. Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. I removed the blade from my wrist and turned it before digging it back into my skin, this time creating a vertical cut. I did this a few more times before I tossed the bloody blade into my sink and admired my masterpiece. In huge, bleeding letters read 'F U KENDALL,' made so the whole world could see what he did to me. I smiled weakly as tiny black dots danced in my vision. Then I passed out.

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><p><strong>I never expected to make Logan cut himself, but I did a tiny bit of research on this "multiple personality disorder" and I needed to make Logan get into the hospital one way or another... so I promise this will be the last time! :)<br>Sorry about switching P.O.V.'s frequently... Hope it's not confusing!  
>Reviews are appreciated! <strong>


	9. Open Up My Eager Eyes

**So this is call word vomiting. I kind of know where this is going now, at least for the next two chapters.  
>But I really did try! So I hope you guys enjoy it. It's short, but it's something.<strong>

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><p>When I woke up, I remembered everything. I was angry to know that I had actually woken up. And I wasn't in my bathroom, which could only mean one thing.<p>

"Well good morning, Mr. Mitchell."

I turned to the source of the voice and there stood a hunky doctor.

"Um, hi," I weakly managed, squinting to read his nametag, "Dr. Hollywood?"

He let out a confident chuckle. "The one and only."

"Right," I nervously breathed and stared at my bandaged wrist. Well that shit's gonna scar. "Where am I?"

"You're in the psychiatric wing. We have yet to diagnose you, but right now, we're stabilizing you. You lost quite a bit of blood."

"Well yeah, I meant to kill myself but nope, I'm here."

Dr. Hollywood let out a sigh. "Things will get better, okay? Hold on tight here buddy."

And with that, he left the room after telling the nurse to keep an eye on me.

I groaned and threw my head onto the pillow behind me.

_Look what you got yourself into,_ the voice laughed.

I rolled my eyes and tried to suppress the taunting echo it had left in my head. I couldn't let it get to me. I was crazy enough as I was. My little fight with my head was broken when a knock was heard.

"Hey are you okay?" Kendall asked, entering the room.

I raised an eyebrow and didn't answer. "Iunno."

He looked exhausted, his hair lacking the usual blonde luster and his eyes a worn-out green. Judging from the bloodshot eyes, he probably had been crying. Something told me it had something to do with me.

He immediately pulled me into a hug, not even caring that he was practically drenching my hospital dress thing with his salty tears.

"Don't ever do that again," the blonde sobbed, shaking violently.

He pulled back and wiped away the tears, staring at my wrapped-up wrists. He pointed at it.

"I, uh, know what you have on your wrist."

"Do you now?" I replied sheepishly, feeling some intensity in the air.

He nodded. "I'm sorry that you met me, I really am. I'm gone from your life, just like you want me."

I stared at him, surprised. "O-oh, good."

"I just, um, had to see that you were okay. I'm really sorry Logan. I never meant to hurt you. Just take care okay? And, um, I'll uh, see you around, I guess. Or not. I'll avoid you like the plague if you want okay?"

I could tell he was fighting tears, the way his lips would quiver and his voice would break. His hands were trembling as he stared at the floor. This was hard for him, and honestly, it was hard for me. As much as I wanted Kendall out of my life, I wanted him to be with me every step of the way. Every day. I couldn't live without him and I knew it, but I couldn't live with him either.

"Okay," I dumbly said, not knowing how to reply. "Good bye, I guess."

He forced a smile and left quickly. My heart hurt. Everything hurt. In fact, everything hurt so much my wrist felt like a warm hug on a cold day compared with everything else. He kept me sane, but he pushed me off the edge. He was a paradox I needed in my life, a paradox I couldn't have in my life. Did life really make this little sense? No one could ever win.

That afternoon, they sent a therapist into my hospital room to talk to me about my feelings. I wish I didn't have feelings. That would've been so much easier.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Like I'm frolicking through a field of daisies," I sarcastically retorted, eyes narrowed at the stupidity of the question. "I'm in the fucking hospital for attempting suicide, how the hell do you think I'm feeling?"

She said nothing and scribbled some bullshit on her clipboard.

"Okay, good, let it out."

The fuck?

"So how long have you been having suicidal thoughts?"

"…I don't usually."

She nodded and wrote some more notes.

"Do you know what caused you to feel this depressed?"

"Kendall."

"And who's Kendall?"

I took a moment to think about a way to describe Kendall. So many thoughts filled my head it was almost unbearable.

"Excuse me, sir?" she piped up, interrupting me in my thoughts.

"Yes?"

"You didn't reply for quite some time." She glanced at her watch.

"I've only been thinking for like, two seconds until you interrupted me."

She shook her head slowly, eyebrows fixed together in confusion. "…No sir, it's been five minutes."

I let out a breath and ran my fingers through my short locks. I felt embarrassed and I wanted to cry. " I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to ignore you! Sometimes I lose track of time like that. Don't be mad."

"Interesting…" she commented, starting to write stuff down again. "Tell me more symptoms."

I wiped away a small tear from the corner of my eye and started again.

"Uh, sometimes I suffer from paranoia. I feel like everyone is out to get me or no one's on my side. I don't know, I get anxiety sometimes I guess."

The therapist was recording this all down on her yellow notepad, occasionally saying, 'mmhm' to assure myself she was listening.

"Alright, thank you," she finally said, standing up and shaking my hand before leaving my presence.

I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better where all the pent-up anger and sadness and were unleashed. It didn't really help me, to be honest. I was still hurting, both physically and mentally, and I still needed Kendall.

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><p><strong>Wow, hopefully that wasn't total crap. :'(<br>I'm sorry if it is... I didn't mean for it to be!  
>And aww Kendall don't leave~. Well you'll find out soon what happens. :) Hopefully.<br>THANKS FOR BEING PATIENT GUYS. I REALLY AM THANKFUL.**


	10. NOTIFICATION

**HI GUYS. :) So I forgot it doesn't notify you when I replace chapters... I think, so yeah. I posted a chapter LOL. K bye.**


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